Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
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i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
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I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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