His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
i now understand why vodka
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
