he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
