Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
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