i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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