i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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