I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
