I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
