or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
