Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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