why didn't you poke me back
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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