why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
