I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
She's just so happy...and so naked.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
