I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
