You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
