It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
