I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
