I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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