Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
