I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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