Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
