i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
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