I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
two words: eviction party
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
