god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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