I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Less talking, more tequila
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
