This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
