I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
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In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
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Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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