I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
