Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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