I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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