I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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