I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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