Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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