I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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