I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
She announced her abortion via fbk
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He passed out mid-signature
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
