This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
