singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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