Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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