Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
