Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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