I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
