I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
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