I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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