Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
