tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
