some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
