Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
