I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
