Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
