do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
