This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
