why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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