You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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