I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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