The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
