If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
