Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
